Good-byes

Time to say Good-bye - I was listening to this song by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli as I drove to work this morning. The title actually in Italian is Con te Partiro' and everytime I hear this song I weep. The fullness of the music seems to be a rhythmic cry and the dramatic yearning in their voices helps the listener know regardless of whether you speak Italian or not that this song is about deep feeling and heart felt emotion. This particular morning as I wept listening to my car CD Player hearing Con te Partiro' I thought about all the times I have had to say "good-bye" most especially the times I felt this strong emotion about leaving the person, relationship, or place that I had grown secure in and several episodes came into my mind as I nudged along in the early morning traffic.

I have always avoided good-byes even at formal and informal gatherings I slip away unnoticed if possible to attempt to get out of any slobbering, gooey, or sentimental good-byes and it's not that I don't feel sentimental - I do. I just don't like showing that emotion or getting caught up in my feelings of sadness over the change that every moment in our lives can bring. Maybe this avoidance is tied to my childhhood?I moved alot as a young person with my family and even though my Dad and Mom did a great job of preparing us (my 3 brothers and myself) by helping us look at the move as an adventure.

I do remember a couple of times having a huge lump in my throat when having to say "good-bye" to my best friends. When I was in seventh grade and we lived in Corpus Christi my Dad had a job transfer to New Orleans. That seemed wildly exciting but I had two best friends, Mark Lamb and Patrice Scott. We did everything together. Walked to and from school, drank Mark's parents' margaritas before dinner, planned our halloween costumes and talked about growing into adulthood together. The day we were to drive away Mark came to say good-bye (Patrice and I were fighting so she didn't come) and we just looked at each other with sadness, struggling for words. He started to cry and I told him if he cried I would hate him forever (I did not want to cry but knew I would if he started) and he gulped and kept his distance waving as we drove away. I could hardly breathe I was so sad. Here I was losing my closest comrade and faithful friend. Who knew what awaited me in another state and much bigger city?

Another "good-bye" that ripped at my heart was twofold. It was the first love of my life and I knew we needed to move on, that this relationship was deemed to be one of those brief but lasting first loves with lots of wonderful memories attached with time gone by. I knew in order for me to mature and make the emotional break that I needed to move far away and so I prayed hard and when the chance came I pulled up my stakes from this place and friends that I loved (I had hoped I would live there forever) and cried for years it seems over saying good-bye to not only my first love, the attachment and attraction, but to a closeknit group of church family and a best friend who is still my very best of friend - Liz. The heartache and choices at the time seemed monumental. It was the right thing to do because of my emotional attachment (which might have eventually caused me to marry for the wrong reasons) but still very hard because a dream of mine died and new dreams had to be pursued (though at the time this was impossible for me to grasp). I believed God would watch over all of us - pointing us to paths and being with us in our choice of paths so that in listening to Him our journeys might end better and for my part I believe it occured though perhaps not in the way I imagined. Does anything?

Another heart wrenching "good-bye" that comes to my mind was seeing my parents before I moved to Michigan and once again knowing my life would be changing in ways I wouldn't be able to fully comprehend at the time. As I drove away in my Toyota truck I could smell my Dad's aftershave "Old Spice" and my Mom's mixture of light perfume and baby powder. Just remembering this brings back those scents to my nostrils and the feelings I had about separation in the miles that I would be from them - I had lived many miles away before but somehow this seemed more permanent and it truly was . Funny how taste and smells can evoke memories? I cried most of the way from New Orleans to St Francisville driving and thinking about that "good-bye" (from depending so much on my parents to this unknown journey into adulthood and a fairly permanent career). What a journey it has been!

Although I despise "good-byes" the one aspect of this song that I imagine in the lyrics (which is actually between lovers and from my view that is an aspect of my relationship with God) is that as a Christian I believe good-byes are temporary even break ups will some how be reconciled to a degree. So my sadness can be felt fully and embraced because the change will bring maturity, if I choose it, and God will make good on all the times I have had to say "good-bye". I have experienced that reconciliation even here on earth and have learned to say "good-bye" more completely and allowed myself to cry because it was how I truly felt and somehow I know this is not the end. Embracing the feelings has encouraged me to appreciate the emotion in its full strength while also hoping that things would be renewed either with a new relationship or the mending of one torn or the understanding of the benefit of the "good-bye" for all involved. Good-byes are still difficult but so then they should be - good life equals good efforts which does not always equal an easy life. This is what I think.