TENSION

I use to think the pivotal word in life was balance. It came out in almost every discussion I had about aspects of my life like work versus family, responsibility versus play, waste versus recycling and on and on. Since I work fulltime and I enjoy what I do almost to the point of getting lost in it . . . at some point in my desire to feel good about home I had to ask myself what my priorities were and when it came down to it I had to BALANCE work and family. They both are important and truthfully I know family and relationships are so much more lasting but work has its place, too, and if it gives one purpose as my work does as well as enable me to live comfortably – it’s like a double dip. And so it goes BALANCE is needed in every aspect whether it be your responsibilities, diet, relationships, hobbies, faith, exercise, sleep, work or even play.

But I have learned something new and it almost hurts because it is so true! Balance although still true might be substituted by another concept that seems more visual and for me a bit more of a fit when it comes to life and trying to explain how we as humans attempt to deal with the everyday grind of it all and that concept is TENSION.

This topic of tension came up as one of my dear friends and a true kindred spirit and I were sipping iced and calorie packed coffee drinks at the local Caribou about 10 a.m. one day last week. We were talking about the STUFF that happens in our lives and if you don’t already know this for a fact - you will find out that bad things happen to everyone, including sinners and saints, and she mentioned that one of our resident teacher/preacher/philosopher types described how we ought to live as though “living in the tension of life”.

I began ruminating over that thought, about the tension necessary to sew something as easy as two pieces of fabric together and you must have a tension on the thread so the pieces of fabric stay together and fit snuggly. If you don’t have enough tension the pieces of fabric will likely look loose, fit badly and possibly come undone. If you have too much tension the seams will pucker and again a bad fit is the result and what you made lasts not long enough, is good for nothing or deeply flawed.

TENSION is a stress or pull but there is more than that - - - it is the right amount of stress or pull. And it isn’t just a matter of holding something it is grasping it with the right amount of pressure – are you seeing what I am saying why this truth is SOMEWHAT hard!?! Life is holding on to the important and necessary aspects with the right amount of grasp – not too tight and not too loose. Tricky uh?

I also know from my friend who deals with muscle tension that to build a muscle it requires being tense by lifting or exercising – too much tenseness and the muscle is damaged, a muscle that has no tension does not grow or become strong. So many analogies can happen here but I think you get the picture. Creating the right tension in your life so that you are holding on to the important things with the right pressure and you realize this grasp and the tension you exert can either help you grow and hurt you?

This also means we have to be conscious of our grasp and not take it for granted because sometimes we thinking we’re holding on but we have lost our grasp and the thing that was important becomes lost and we often can’t explain the hurt or loss. Because tension is so important we should realize – there are soem things we will need to realize and one is obviously there is a limit to what we can grasp and so we need to choose with intention the things we give our time, energy and heart to. although this tension aspect seems really hard - the trick is to practice.

Jesus didn't start his ministry until 30 years of age and I have often thought that he knew he had to be prepared, had to know his Father's word and be good at grasping his mission and that takes practice. Practice in what and how we grasp and keeping the grasp firm will certainly take training. I fear we dislike practice/training because we want ease and I am all for ease but it seems I only learn when things are hard.

And sometimes we are The Thing that is lost because someone else’s grasp has either become too tight and has let go and we are the person hurt, damaged, or betrayed. I am still reading Marianne Williamson’s book, The Gift of Change (It is getter more and more profound despite it’s wordiness) and something she said in the book also fits well with this concept of TENSION and that is we often don’t have control over the circumstances in our lives, such as cancer, death, job loss, or betrayed relationship but God has given us control over how we respond and in fact for me God’s perspective is one of those tensions, one of the grasps in my life that is conscientious and that I need to have in order to gage the other tensions necessary in my existence. I would love to say I always have the right tension in my grasp on God but I often get caught up with some other tensions and usually they are ones that are seemingly important but ones that are immediate wants?

Good-byes

Time to say Good-bye - I was listening to this song by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli as I drove to work this morning. The title actually in Italian is Con te Partiro' and everytime I hear this song I weep. The fullness of the music seems to be a rhythmic cry and the dramatic yearning in their voices helps the listener know regardless of whether you speak Italian or not that this song is about deep feeling and heart felt emotion. This particular morning as I wept listening to my car CD Player hearing Con te Partiro' I thought about all the times I have had to say "good-bye" most especially the times I felt this strong emotion about leaving the person, relationship, or place that I had grown secure in and several episodes came into my mind as I nudged along in the early morning traffic.

I have always avoided good-byes even at formal and informal gatherings I slip away unnoticed if possible to attempt to get out of any slobbering, gooey, or sentimental good-byes and it's not that I don't feel sentimental - I do. I just don't like showing that emotion or getting caught up in my feelings of sadness over the change that every moment in our lives can bring. Maybe this avoidance is tied to my childhhood?I moved alot as a young person with my family and even though my Dad and Mom did a great job of preparing us (my 3 brothers and myself) by helping us look at the move as an adventure.

I do remember a couple of times having a huge lump in my throat when having to say "good-bye" to my best friends. When I was in seventh grade and we lived in Corpus Christi my Dad had a job transfer to New Orleans. That seemed wildly exciting but I had two best friends, Mark Lamb and Patrice Scott. We did everything together. Walked to and from school, drank Mark's parents' margaritas before dinner, planned our halloween costumes and talked about growing into adulthood together. The day we were to drive away Mark came to say good-bye (Patrice and I were fighting so she didn't come) and we just looked at each other with sadness, struggling for words. He started to cry and I told him if he cried I would hate him forever (I did not want to cry but knew I would if he started) and he gulped and kept his distance waving as we drove away. I could hardly breathe I was so sad. Here I was losing my closest comrade and faithful friend. Who knew what awaited me in another state and much bigger city?

Another "good-bye" that ripped at my heart was twofold. It was the first love of my life and I knew we needed to move on, that this relationship was deemed to be one of those brief but lasting first loves with lots of wonderful memories attached with time gone by. I knew in order for me to mature and make the emotional break that I needed to move far away and so I prayed hard and when the chance came I pulled up my stakes from this place and friends that I loved (I had hoped I would live there forever) and cried for years it seems over saying good-bye to not only my first love, the attachment and attraction, but to a closeknit group of church family and a best friend who is still my very best of friend - Liz. The heartache and choices at the time seemed monumental. It was the right thing to do because of my emotional attachment (which might have eventually caused me to marry for the wrong reasons) but still very hard because a dream of mine died and new dreams had to be pursued (though at the time this was impossible for me to grasp). I believed God would watch over all of us - pointing us to paths and being with us in our choice of paths so that in listening to Him our journeys might end better and for my part I believe it occured though perhaps not in the way I imagined. Does anything?

Another heart wrenching "good-bye" that comes to my mind was seeing my parents before I moved to Michigan and once again knowing my life would be changing in ways I wouldn't be able to fully comprehend at the time. As I drove away in my Toyota truck I could smell my Dad's aftershave "Old Spice" and my Mom's mixture of light perfume and baby powder. Just remembering this brings back those scents to my nostrils and the feelings I had about separation in the miles that I would be from them - I had lived many miles away before but somehow this seemed more permanent and it truly was . Funny how taste and smells can evoke memories? I cried most of the way from New Orleans to St Francisville driving and thinking about that "good-bye" (from depending so much on my parents to this unknown journey into adulthood and a fairly permanent career). What a journey it has been!

Although I despise "good-byes" the one aspect of this song that I imagine in the lyrics (which is actually between lovers and from my view that is an aspect of my relationship with God) is that as a Christian I believe good-byes are temporary even break ups will some how be reconciled to a degree. So my sadness can be felt fully and embraced because the change will bring maturity, if I choose it, and God will make good on all the times I have had to say "good-bye". I have experienced that reconciliation even here on earth and have learned to say "good-bye" more completely and allowed myself to cry because it was how I truly felt and somehow I know this is not the end. Embracing the feelings has encouraged me to appreciate the emotion in its full strength while also hoping that things would be renewed either with a new relationship or the mending of one torn or the understanding of the benefit of the "good-bye" for all involved. Good-byes are still difficult but so then they should be - good life equals good efforts which does not always equal an easy life. This is what I think.

Affirmative Action

I went to a conference this week in Lansing and was pleased to be surrounded by over 283 women in higher education in Michigan pretty much from all levels in the college and university environment----- even five (female) Michigan presidents including MSU and Marygrove.

Because this group is funded from the ACE (American Council on Education) many public colleges, universities, and community colleges were there and talking heavily about Affirmative Action and its potential demise in Michigan. I was informed Ward Connerly and his grossly funded group will strike in retaliation to the U of M court wins over the admission quotas similarly to his influence and win in California.

My opinion on the outset is that I am not about quotas but after hearing several conversations about what the downfall of this Affirmative Action might include I am concerned abit – will the death of Affirmative Action mean that state and federal monies might be disallowed for battered women’s clinics? or no more free prostrate screening for men because these are based on gender? What about the Center for Women Studies Department at U of M? I plan to watch this closely and surely pray common sense and true citizenship will prevail – we need to be one another’s keepers and although I am not sure exactly how that should play out and I certain we need to be treating one another justly and conscientiously. I do think the best should be honored but we need to be able to provide scholarship (private and public) focused at minorities desiring to succeed or have the opportunity to succeed – that is part of taking care of each other.

Reality Commercials

As I was watching the NBA game last evening between the Pistons and the Heat I was, as was every other American watching any TV programming, assaulted by commercial after commercial espousing “coolness” (Jeep ad) and beer;Bud Light, and every other product you can think of that if you purchased or possessed would make your existence worth the while - so you might be led to believe.

And I think or would like to believe that if I had the funds and energy that I would launch a huge campaign challenging all these ad companies to help us, their audience, realize our true potential and not play to us like we are zombies walking around only concerned with image and status.

But then again, they, the marketing gurus, are very successful which must mean to some degree that we are zombies buying into to all the product placement and ad campaigns that help us know that by owning a new 2005 Jeep we will be “cool” cuz the ad shows a “cool” meter which says I am cool becuz I drive a Jeep.

I am very saddened by this and by my own acceptance of this influence.

If I could - my marketing genius would focus on wisdom so it might look something like this in commercial form:

Hip Hop music playing in the background and a good looking guy (he’s fresh and dressed to kill) in the Jeep cruising along with a pretty young lady at his side. The Jeep we see is beaming copper color and slows to stop at a red light – the “cool” meter appears and it is pointing at an all time high. The camera slowly turns and into the frame drives a clean but slightly rusted 1989 Honda Accord, windows are down and with a young guy slightly disheveled obviously a workingman behind the wheel rocking to a not so loud Eminmem song. The young male driver smiles and nods to us. Meanwhile we pan back to our slick couple in the Jeep who smile back when the moment is interrupted by a cell phone ringing with some mechanical sounding tune. Our Jeep guy not only has a cool Jeep but the latest technology in Cell phones and he smoothly whips out his phone and answers with a “Whasss up!” We are privy to the voice on the other end of the conversation and as the music abrubtly ends we hear a Verizon Rep state, “Mr. Smith we are sorry your cell phone service is being temporarily terminated but you haven't paid your $257.00 balance” There is a silent pause and the Rep continues with a “Can you hear me now?” Suddenly the cool meter pops up in front of our eyes overlaying the scene with Mr. Smith looking stunned and the “cool” meters reads at an all time low and typing out like a type writer on the screen we see the words:
Jeep - $550 a month,
Designer clothes - $850,
Cell Phone bill - $257.00/month.

Just as we are calculating this monstrous amount we hear that familiar male Master Card voice say “all the credit you ever wanted with a lifetime to hopefully pay it off”. Then the camera switches back to our workingman in the 1989 Honda Accord. And now we see typing out over the screen of our young working stiff the words:
1989 Honda Accord - $Paid for since 1994/$500 annual upkeep,
Working clothes - $company supplies
and Cell phone for emergency only - $150 annually.

The cool meter appears pointing to the "coolest" and then the word fades and reappearing is the word “smart” instead of “cool”.
Fade to black.

Wow! what a concept? ---that it is cool to be smart instead of taken. Oh, if the media moguls respected integrity over money?!

The Gift Of Change

I am reading or trying to read Marianne Williamson’s book, “The Gift of Change” and having gotten to page 19 where I have stopped for the umpteenth time to contemplate what she is saying. I have read some of her earlier work and heard her speak at the Church of Today here in Detroit but one thing continually plagues me as I attempt to swallow or get my mind wrapped around what she is saying and that is I don’t think God meant it to be this difficult. She uses philosophical language, big words and by the time I have waded through it even though I do think what she is conveying rings true it just seems like she could say it plainer? Like Jesus said, “If you want to save your life you must be willing to lose it” or “Who ever wishes to be first must be last”, “There is no fear in love – real love cast out fear” – maybe she could expound on these truths and how she sees one could carry them out in their every day life and at least then I would not get a headache reading her rendition of these realities but only be faced with the personal choice of living or not living this way. But then there may be no need for a book- right? I do think she has some concrete ways of explaining these basic life skills so I will do my best to read the rest but it is just so wordy and convoluted in my opinion. We will see how far I get.

Will He Forgive Us?

Continuing with my thoughts about the Sermon Seminar - I didn’t want to forget to mention the sermon point that Dr. Fred Craddock made during his presentation on Monday evening – it was for me an especially poignant moment as he voiced his rendition of the disciples sleeping whilst Jesus lay on the ground pleading in prayer with every ounce of his heart, “throwing himself to the ground” as Craddock read in Mark's account.

Dr. Fred Craddock in his seemingly intentionally slow, soft, and southern tones ventured as to what the disciples might ask him once they woke up and what would he tell them – would he, the reader, the audience privy to the garden scene tell the slumbering disciples what really happened or would we divert the reality and make the blow softer, less harsh? But more than wanting to know the details of the moment of Jesus’ most needy time the disciples, Craddock believed would want to know whether or not Jesus could forgive them – forgive them for not being there in his desperate time of anxiousness and concern? Jesus their master and Lord asked them to watch and pray – he needed them to give him emotional, mental, and spiritual strength and they did not, in deed Craddock believes they could not because seeing Jesus this way seemed in their minds to take away the look and confidence of the King they believed he owned and truly was.

Will he forgive us? This was profound for me because this fear and question daily comes into my head and heart - “Will God forgive me for forgetting him and for not being aware of his precious people and taking time to meet the needs of those around? Will he forgive me for my daily wastefulness? Will he forgive me for not getting it – like the disciples didn’t get the parables or his purposes in sending Jesus to die and be raised again? Will he forgive me for thinking I know when I understand absolutely nothing? Can I be forgiven for falling asleep at the pinnacle of the story?

And the answer I know but wait to hear is “yes” and how do I know it is “yes”? . . . because as Dr. Craddock infers in this rather dramatic Mark-like presentation - just as the disciples might have been thinking this we, the audience, read and are present for the rest of Mark’s telling of his story of Jesus. We are there when a young man in glowing white clothes tells the women (followers of Jesus) who come to the tomb looking for Jesus to “Go and tell” the disciples and Peter (the one who betrayed him) to come meet him in Galilee. As we gather information from all the links in the story we can be assured that Jesus still, in my estimation, believes in these ones (chosen yet fallible) and believes they along with the help of the Spirit will carry out the work he left to them and left at this point to us and more poignantly – left me to carry out.

Though the women fled full of fear as they came back to all that had happened and thoughtfully pursued the actions and words of Jesus they had experienced - it is this reader's belief that they, too, heard "yes, I forgive and love you - now come follow me".

I am forgiven that I might forgive others. I am rescued that I might rescue others just as Jesus thoroughly rescues and forgives me as I journey towards Galilee.

Included

Today I attended a seminar which is primarily held for preachers, teachers of God’s Word, and theologians. In any scenario I don’t truly rate as any of these but in some dimension of myself which I am hoping to eventually unveil what I think may be one of the first two. I am still very much in a stage of doubt and trepidation so I will tread softly and see what God opens or closes.

The seminar started at 1:00 p.m. Monday and featured Fred Craddock, whom I must admit, I not being a biblical scholar had never heard of him, but now I cannot imagine not having the benefit of the insight he demonstrated during his sermon on the book of Mark. Even now thinking about his way with explaining the text brings tears to my eyes which seem silly I know but he said some things that made me feel included. I often fall into the trap of fear and allow myself to feel small and not included but he spoke about how in Mark’s telling of the gospel that we, the reader, were privy to all the conversations and stories even more so than the disciples or those characters actually on the scene. He talked about how Mark told the story of the garden of Gethsemane in a way that was not pretty but somewhat abrupt and sort of a jagged black & white photo. The starkness of his rendition grabbed my attention as did his quiet southern tinged voiced and manner.

Before Dr. Craddock even put forth any of these thoughts, he read the text from Mark and one phrase stuck out to me is one I never remember reading before and that was that Jesus threw him self down to pray in the garden. “Threw himself down”, that seems so despairing and dramatic and as Craddock expounded that is exactly what he brought out –that Jesus was struggling, that this was not a portrait of a Jesus quietly kneeling to pray but one of writhing with anguish AND how difficult it must have been for the disciples to see him this way. Craddock paused effectively and stated “no wonder they slept – they couldn’t deal with the Jesus they were seeing”.

As Fred Craddock worked his way through his thoughts on the subject saying The Jesus the disciples were used to seeing and the one they probably hoped to view was one who had accomplished miracles, one who was turning tables over in the temple but not one desperate, hurting emotionally, and now pleading for his life in the garden. But the disciples invited to witness this missed this human outcry because they were unable to handle this reality as so often we sleep when things become overwhelming. It was a view I had not thought about before and Craddock’s way of sharing (intentionally gaited and quiet) and his insistence of Mark’s writing style as including us the reader made me certainly know I was suppose to be present not only here at this conference but present as part of the audience to Mark’s telling of the gospel. It was an “aha” moment.

I want to write more but I want to be quiet and ruminate on some of this knowing even now I will not grasp the entirety of it for sometime. My senses are hypersensitive and I am full of wonder. I want to enjoy the view currently encapsulating my heart and mind at this moment.

I am Jealous!

On Friday as I was driving home and making stops along the way attempting to complete all my tasks for the day like send my Mom a Mother’s Day card and gift, mail my bills, send a Thank You card to a friend, and decide what’s for dinner I felt overwhelmed and said, "UGH!", really loud in fact. I started thinking about the difference between a working male and a working female from my perspective. In my experience, being a single working woman, I want to take some time and bemoan some of the things I believe are expected from these women and well, are rarely expected from men.

Working women whether married or not are expected to look their best, do a great job at their work, keep a neat and updated household, attend functions like wedding showers, baby showers, make time for work functions so she can keep up with the good ol boys, remember friends & family birthdays, and lastly do the laundry, all the cleaning and ensure there is something delicious on the table for dinner.

On the other hand, a male usually, if he isn’t married and sometimes if he is, is expected to only do a good job at his work. We have no real expectation for him to look good, clean, cook, remember anyone’s birthday with a card or gift, send flowers to a funeral, attend social functions unless this includes cards or sports accompanied by snacks, and certainly there is some female waiting to do his laundry (like his wife or Mom). Now I know there are several men who do accomplish these daily feats but many of them are married and those feats can be more or less attributed to their wives (who are often working themselves).

If it sounds like I am bashing males – I am . . . only because I am jealous of their psyche whether generated by the environment or genetics - Will we ever really know? I am jealous of their ability to walk by the door to the fellowship hall at church whilst a baby shower is going on, hearing the “oohing and ahhing”, and feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. I am jealous of the fact that rarely are they the ones at work who bring in snacks such as donuts or coffee cake for everyone – they’re just not overly concerned about pleasing the people around them.

I know you will shoot back at me “Don’t participate in the baby shower cycle if you don’t want to!” I wish it were that easy but it is sort of like the oceans’ undertow once you get caught in it you’re a goner. I just want to know how most males get away with not seeing the importance of sending a card, making a phone call, or helping a young couple celebrate the wonderful gift of a new life?! Is this stuff we women do for the most part really important? Is it necessary to have a clean house, ensure others around us feel validated or should we just throw the dirty clothes away once the hamper is full? It’s sounder better and better to me, if I could just loose these feelings of guilt and stop needing to continually authenticate others and myself.

I do want to say my brothers over the years have gotten better and usually call and send a card and I guess I hope that my consistency in remembering their family’s birthdays has actually made a difference or maybe their wives prod them into remembering. Whatever the reason it makes me feel special and gives me perspective that maybe men can be persuaded to see my point of view and that my dealings aren’t so useless after all?

Similarly, I do love my Dad but I only remember getting one written correspondence from him in my whole life and that was a shocker – I think I was really struggling with my life and my life’s choices at the time so that was extra meaningful to me. With regard to laundry, house cleaning, gift buying and the list I have been mentioning my Dad usually only vacuumed. That was until my Mom became rather ill last year and Pop was forced to learn these chores. And because he had grown very accustomed to having them accomplished – he did them himself. He is kind of a neat freak, anyway. I am not sure all men would have gone to the lengths he did. My Mom even wrote out instructions for him on how to use an ATM which he had never done. Is that not unbelievable?

But why are girls generally the ones concerned about these things? Can it be the way I was brought up as a girl that I feel like it is my duty to be good at everything? What I mean is that I feel that I have to accomplish to some degree all the things I mentioned earlier like keeping house, cooking, cleaning, being involved with church, showers, recognize others accomplishments and life markers, as well as, keep up with friendships and the laundry? When I skimp on any of these I feel badly. I do want to say as I stated earlier I do know a few guys who feel responsible and do respond to their world in this way and I applaud them but I think they are an exclusive group and then I wonder - should we be applauding this behavior? - I just don't know - we seem way too conscientious, if that is possible?

What makes most guys the way they are? Involved in their own world of what they like with regard to TV, food, interests maybe like racing or golf and pretty much what is important to them and them alone. I have gone so far as to read books on how to understand and communicate better with men and particularly males at work. All this to better connect on their level and in their style and I do get that most men mean what they say and that if they tackle a problem and solve it rarely if ever do they second guess themselves. The only bump I have hit is that I can try all I want but the trouble is: try as I do males for the most part have no desire to figure out my communication style or culture. They just don’t think about it. Oh how at times I long for those traits. To be able to confidently not feel guilty if I don’t attend a wedding shower or to attend a work meeting and not leave replaying every word and wondering if someone meant something other than what they said. I am now thinking of the musical “My Fair Lady” and hearing Rex Harrison sing “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” . . . so they feel the same way in opposite fashion.

I guess the truth is there is a happy medium and as jealous as I am of most men’s ability to be totally involved in their own world with little regard towards other's issues - I do want to be validated through friends & family, to be encouraged at work and I like my home to look neat and inviting. So I guess I must accept these types of men as they are and hope they will look to accept me and all my tedious ways. I will continue to attempt to influence them with the golden rule – to treat others as we wish to be treated and it seems that will work for me as well - I need to glean what I can from their success. Why do I always have to be right?!

Kowality!

You ever have one of those mornings where you drag yourself to the coffee pot or for me it is the espresso maker - drink two cups and still feel like you can't shake the sleepiness? That was how I felt this morning. I even fell asleep drinking my mocha espresso and watching the weather channel - no comments please.

Perhaps I was dreading the issues I would have to deal with at work today - yes, in fact I am. So go back to sleep and dream a good dream. But responsibility nags at my heart. I finally muster the strength to dress and get in my 89 honda with the door handle missing - that alone is enough to send me back to bed. But soon after cranking her up - I am on my way driving my 30 minute commute in a zombie like state.

But God has his ways and this morning it puts a smile on my stoic and tired face. Cruising along or maybe I should say put-putting along in my rusted but loved ghetto mobile I am struck by the image of a life size weiner complete with a mask, gloves, shoes (that means this weiner has arms and legs), a cape flowing in the wind and a large "K" plastered on it's chest, if a weiner can have a chest. The truck is sunny yellow in color and is marketing Kowalski Kielbasa. There is absolutely no way one could ride behind that truck consciously and not smile. And to top that their website is www.kowality.com - seriously - you can see the mascot yourself by clicking on this site and viewing it in the lower right hand corner.

Whatever troubles I was anticipating faded away and and I smiled deeply at this Super "K" Kowalski Weiner who rescued me from my rather depressing thoughts - Thank You God for your great sense of humor!

A Typical Moment on a College Campus

While working on my computer this afternoon I received a phone call – as normal I usually look to see who is calling - oh, how I love Caller ID. The call is from the audio tech office on campus, maybe the director. I answer and to my surprise it is one of their student workers and one of my fav-o-rite students. I am often confused for the college fountain of information as I get asked a question regarding campus activities instead of something that actually is in my field of expertise (by calling my personal line instead of the front office), Oh, well – I am usually glad to oblige.

The student, DM asks, “Are we having Midnight Breakfast tonight?” [Midnight Breakfast is hosted by staff and faculty where we serve a huge breakfast on the first night of final exams for all of our students]. “Yes”, I reply, “Didn’t you hear the announcements we did in chapel? We had power point slides and did a couple if verbal announcements in daily chapel”. DM moans somewhat questioning this, “I don’t remember seeing them”.

In fact now that I think of it DM was running the Power Point and audio on the days we announced this event in chapel and being always willing to help someone face a challenge I decided to mention this overlooked fact. He confesses to me, “Sorry DC, I guess I didn’t listen – thanks for telling me”. He hangs and he is unfazed.

The staff in our office has been known to stand around the front counter and bemoan the fact that no matter how we publicize an event, students do not pay attention. They don’t listen in chapel during verbal announcements, they don't watch our announcement TV channel, they don't read the announcement page posted in common areas, nor do they seem to notice the colorful blaring signs posted strategically through the walkways in student halls. And well, to some extent DM has proved our point, even though I think he may have been standing right there with us complaining about students and their lack of focus.

Even more amazing is student residents have even been seen getting mail out of their campus mail boxes, noticing the college logo, and pitching it in the circular file immediately. Thus they often miss important information about financial deadlines, scholarship opportunities, and notifications requiring them to visit some office. To personally battle this - I have gone to the length of handwriting their names, using blank envelopes, and actually individually signing my signature with a real ink pen on things I want them to read. I will say for the most part it works but it is certainly a lot of effort.

Recently I did that (handwrote the student’s name and mine) in a letter about dress code issues and several students called or emailed asking why I had singled them out for this issue. At this I asked them to read the last line which stated – “this letter went to all students” to which they replied “oh!” But no matter -----they read most of it and in my mind it was worth the effort.

Proof

I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. A group of wonderful ladies I have been meeting with for about 11 years (we call it Share Group) to share our journeys and pray with decided to read it about 4 months ago. We only meet once a month so it is taking some time to go through it. And it is the sort of read that after reading where you need to breathe deep, ponder, and relish. When I first started it I thought it was good, just good, but having got a bit deeper I have been inwardly struck by several of the author’s interpretations, stories, and my ability to relate with them so thoroughly. So just good has turned into really good!

Earlier today after reading a passage out loud in The Ragamuffin Gospel to my daughter, I said with a long sigh, “it is sometimes difficult to grasp that in my journey through life that I have longed so desperately to grasp truth, not just know “It” intellectually, and only had these brief glimpses of “It” or “truth” which means perhaps in my life time I will only have 50 -100 flashes of getting "It”. I somehow feel stupid because it seems like I should have these “aha" moments in a sort of continual stream or then maybe I feel robbed because I have these flashes only to be bereft of them moments later. If I had to define getting “It” this would consist of having this tremendous peace and seemingly overwhelming sense of understanding of the situation, the world, my world, and God’s relentless and grace-filled hand extended to us in that moment. After this lengthy explanation to my daughter there was a long pause and the she said in what sounded like the voice of Jesus, “be thankful you were aware of one”.

Manning states on page 113, of his book, The Ragamuffin Gospel,
“Trust at the mercy of the response it receives is bogus trust. All is uncertainty and anxiety. In trembling insecurity the disciple pleads for proofs from the lord that her affection be returned. If she does not receive them, she is frustrated and starts to suspect that her relationship with Jesus is all over or that it never existed. If she does receive consolation, she is reassured but only for a time. She presses for further proofs - each one less convincing than the one that went before. In the end the need to trust dies of pure frustration. What the disciple has not learned is that tangible reassurances, however valuable they may be, cannot create trust, sustain it, or guarantee any certainty of its presence. Jesus calls us to hand over our autonomous self in unshaken confidence. When craving for reassurance is stifled, trust happens”.

After digesting this passage, this was a major hit for me, in looking for this truth – the getting “it” is some sort of proof that I seek; some glimpse, shadow, or flash of God’s presence in my sphere and having read this over and over I do agree that I may never get “It” enough - certainly not to my satisfaction and well, it doesn’t matter. Not fully grasping God’s meaning in my moment doesn’t mean God isn’t real or that He isn’t aware of my particular issues - that is where faith and trust come into play. God’s love for me isn’t based on my situation and my situation is most of the time one of disappointment, uncertainty of my self, and feeling unworthy. Regardless God stills loves me, cheers me on, and I believes allows these glimpses of understanding to help me hang on – to see how it will be someday to be fully and continually in His presence and to always get “It”.

Fear Not

I have hestitated for quite some time in joining the blogger world thinking I might bore my self to tears or waste time writing unimportant sentiment that others may critique. I realize I have learned much from the writings of others, shared experiences, and humorous stories that may help me continue to solidify my own purpose, make me smile and perhaps if others choose to read my view, they, too, might benefit in some way. I guess we'll see.

There is intelligent life on this campus

Today started out as any normal anxiety ridden day - me wondering what to accomplish first with regard to my work load and then it happened like it does often . . . things come up on campus other than my daily tasks. Arriving I realize today is the day we have no classes and our seniors are scheduled throughout the entire day to present their final projects. No tasks will get checked off my list today. But thinking about this gives me a wonderful excuse to put off those things that seem rather burdensome.

I hurry across the parking lot very alert from the consumption of my daily home-made espresso and carefully turn the door handle to the classroom where I had promised one of my fav-o-rite students that I would attend their presentation. He was concerned there wouldn't be a crowd but there was a nice group of interested looking folks. Even the president has joined us. The presentation is nicely done, well researched, and as his professors articulate questions - they are answered efficiently and effectively.

I grab my bag and hurry to let the office mates, particularly our pretty front office manager (several of our male students are smitten and truthfully she is not only young and pretty but owns a sense of dry wit which is a must to survive in this office), know that I am indeed on campus and have not abandoned my responsibilites completely. I check email, voice mails, and make a couple of calls before deciding what student session I wish to attend.

Next on the agenda for the day is the special speaker brought in to inspire and help add a more professional flair to the event. I attend dutifully as an adminstrator and am surprised at not only the content, abundant personality, and inspiration but this is one of our own board members who I am proud to see is so passionate and capable. I want to hang around this woman and wonder if her commitment and conviction might rub off on me but she has a swarm of well-wishers around and I am uncertain what I could say - so I thank her and move on. I wrote several notes down hopeful that I can ruminate over them later and perhaps pass them on. I am always looking for new material to share.

We are short-handed and I hang around the outer office to cover for lunch. This change in location and view always keeps me aware of how important it is to get to know the students and of course this gives me the chance to service them in ways different from my usual job. I get relieved and attend another presentation and am again impressed by the thoroughness of the thoughts and maturity of our seniors. This day is a great opportunity to showcase the talent we have. I enjoy being impressed in this way so different from how I often feel given my particular responsibilites as one of the keepers of the rules.

I get back to my office which is a suite that is usually buzzing with students hanging out, laughing loud, and several of my office mates yelling out commentary or actually coming into the outer office to join the barrage of conversation and noise. I normally just roll out in my office chair which is high-backed and well equipped with what looks like over-sized roller blades wheels. Once I give my comment I happily roll back thus indicating that I actually do have some work to attend to, perhaps I am not really fooling anyone :-) . It is quite the sight and today is no different.

The topic today is the love-life of one of my fellow employees and he is being goaded by one of our most capable student workers who we believe has never kept an opinion to herself - ever. But she has worthwhile opinions so this isn't really a negative. She further pursues the subject as she is a close friend of his by indicating he may be batting for the other team, so to speak, as he seemingly has little interest in her interest in his love-life - did you get that? So now I feel the need to roll out in my office chair adding my often sarcastic remarks and with not much encouragement we are settled in my office discussing my lovelife or past loves and get around to the subjects of relationships, homosexuality, infidelity, premarital sex, sex, pornography, masturbation, friendships, accountability, betrayal, respect, and many instances in which we can and do struggle in our commitment to God's way as Christians.

Here are a couple of the questions/topics we attempted to address: How do we broach these issues in a way that is conducive to those of our friends who struggle with these issues or ourselves, for that matter, and also remain true to our Christian faith?? Great discussion and interaction of thoughts occured. Soon we had a small crowd in my office, because I think we were talking about real life issuesand unfortunatley things we often pass over quickly with pat answers that don't really ever help us. Our resident goader states, "Maybe we are only dealing with the symtoms and not the real issues?" We all shook our heads in agreement. What is the real issue? I think when we missuse relationship (and there are lots of ways to do this) we disrespect God and each other because we are pushing our needs or wants on someone else. With sex outside marriage that certainly seems the case as sex was meant to be something intentional and sacred between two committed people and when it occurs haphazardly or without commitment the result is normally betrayal followed by disrespect. I have read several accounts of Christians (Please keep in mind that this is the view from which I am seeing this) who were engaged to be married or intended for marriage but out of passion had sex, Johnny on the Spot, and later, 20 years later, felt the other one should have honored them by being the stronger person. Sad but true.

We talked and talked, and discussed, and questioned so much and I ended up remebering something the special speaker had said earlier in the day (I hoped I could pass this tidbit on) and that was that we should "own our influence". Here we had some big issues and instead of thinking we could do nothing - we could be intentional with our influence. Influence is not obvious all the time, nor should it be condeming or confrontational - it is sort of marketing your self, your integrity, your faith, but without shoving it in someone's face. Intentional influence or owning our influence is just being sure of who we are, taking some responsibilitly in understanding our impact (wouldn't it be great if some of our public figures including Hollywood thought deeply about this), and be willing to share it lovingly and confidently.

Whether one agrees or not with some of what was discussed or the views expressed what I am encouraged by is these students and their willingness to question, discuss, and commit to be authentic. And for me, best of all, I was not only there to witness this process of thinking and questioning but allowed to be a part of it.

Martha's Vineyard

Happy and Sad

Last night the students at the college where I work hosted an event they call "The Emmys". It's sort of a mock Oscars with somewhat silly categories and a few serious ones. Some of the categories were "Do they still go to school here?" - this one is for students who students never see but they hear are supposed to be in class; another category was for faculty members titled, "I still have 3 minutes left" for those professors who are always pushing for more lecture time. It was fun and worth attending. Being a very small college we certainly have our perks of close community and I thoroughly enjoy getting out and about with the students relishing their quick wit and ability to enjoy their time of play. I sat among of few of these very intelligent and witty beings.

One of the highlights of the evening for me was the times they took to seriously honor a few people. The evening was dedicated to Katie, one of our beloved students who passed away this past February, leaving us all in awe of her strength and then also tearfully sending off one of the favorite faculty members to another university which is much closer to his immediate family (I will mention he came with his entire family: 4 young boys and beautiful wife). The students affirmed his decision while still letting him know they would all miss him and his distinctive manner of teaching and interaction. His peers will miss him, too.

The mixture of laughter and solemnity during the event was so reflective of how life truly works on a bigger scale or any scale for that matter. I am so appreciative of the ability to guffaw with gusto (as both my assistant deans do in our suite of offices) and the equal ability to be sad when such circumstances demand. I am honored to be able to experience being both happy and sad - truthfully one without other might lessen the impact of either. Think about that.