Proof

I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. A group of wonderful ladies I have been meeting with for about 11 years (we call it Share Group) to share our journeys and pray with decided to read it about 4 months ago. We only meet once a month so it is taking some time to go through it. And it is the sort of read that after reading where you need to breathe deep, ponder, and relish. When I first started it I thought it was good, just good, but having got a bit deeper I have been inwardly struck by several of the author’s interpretations, stories, and my ability to relate with them so thoroughly. So just good has turned into really good!

Earlier today after reading a passage out loud in The Ragamuffin Gospel to my daughter, I said with a long sigh, “it is sometimes difficult to grasp that in my journey through life that I have longed so desperately to grasp truth, not just know “It” intellectually, and only had these brief glimpses of “It” or “truth” which means perhaps in my life time I will only have 50 -100 flashes of getting "It”. I somehow feel stupid because it seems like I should have these “aha" moments in a sort of continual stream or then maybe I feel robbed because I have these flashes only to be bereft of them moments later. If I had to define getting “It” this would consist of having this tremendous peace and seemingly overwhelming sense of understanding of the situation, the world, my world, and God’s relentless and grace-filled hand extended to us in that moment. After this lengthy explanation to my daughter there was a long pause and the she said in what sounded like the voice of Jesus, “be thankful you were aware of one”.

Manning states on page 113, of his book, The Ragamuffin Gospel,
“Trust at the mercy of the response it receives is bogus trust. All is uncertainty and anxiety. In trembling insecurity the disciple pleads for proofs from the lord that her affection be returned. If she does not receive them, she is frustrated and starts to suspect that her relationship with Jesus is all over or that it never existed. If she does receive consolation, she is reassured but only for a time. She presses for further proofs - each one less convincing than the one that went before. In the end the need to trust dies of pure frustration. What the disciple has not learned is that tangible reassurances, however valuable they may be, cannot create trust, sustain it, or guarantee any certainty of its presence. Jesus calls us to hand over our autonomous self in unshaken confidence. When craving for reassurance is stifled, trust happens”.

After digesting this passage, this was a major hit for me, in looking for this truth – the getting “it” is some sort of proof that I seek; some glimpse, shadow, or flash of God’s presence in my sphere and having read this over and over I do agree that I may never get “It” enough - certainly not to my satisfaction and well, it doesn’t matter. Not fully grasping God’s meaning in my moment doesn’t mean God isn’t real or that He isn’t aware of my particular issues - that is where faith and trust come into play. God’s love for me isn’t based on my situation and my situation is most of the time one of disappointment, uncertainty of my self, and feeling unworthy. Regardless God stills loves me, cheers me on, and I believes allows these glimpses of understanding to help me hang on – to see how it will be someday to be fully and continually in His presence and to always get “It”.