I am Jealous!

On Friday as I was driving home and making stops along the way attempting to complete all my tasks for the day like send my Mom a Mother’s Day card and gift, mail my bills, send a Thank You card to a friend, and decide what’s for dinner I felt overwhelmed and said, "UGH!", really loud in fact. I started thinking about the difference between a working male and a working female from my perspective. In my experience, being a single working woman, I want to take some time and bemoan some of the things I believe are expected from these women and well, are rarely expected from men.

Working women whether married or not are expected to look their best, do a great job at their work, keep a neat and updated household, attend functions like wedding showers, baby showers, make time for work functions so she can keep up with the good ol boys, remember friends & family birthdays, and lastly do the laundry, all the cleaning and ensure there is something delicious on the table for dinner.

On the other hand, a male usually, if he isn’t married and sometimes if he is, is expected to only do a good job at his work. We have no real expectation for him to look good, clean, cook, remember anyone’s birthday with a card or gift, send flowers to a funeral, attend social functions unless this includes cards or sports accompanied by snacks, and certainly there is some female waiting to do his laundry (like his wife or Mom). Now I know there are several men who do accomplish these daily feats but many of them are married and those feats can be more or less attributed to their wives (who are often working themselves).

If it sounds like I am bashing males – I am . . . only because I am jealous of their psyche whether generated by the environment or genetics - Will we ever really know? I am jealous of their ability to walk by the door to the fellowship hall at church whilst a baby shower is going on, hearing the “oohing and ahhing”, and feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. I am jealous of the fact that rarely are they the ones at work who bring in snacks such as donuts or coffee cake for everyone – they’re just not overly concerned about pleasing the people around them.

I know you will shoot back at me “Don’t participate in the baby shower cycle if you don’t want to!” I wish it were that easy but it is sort of like the oceans’ undertow once you get caught in it you’re a goner. I just want to know how most males get away with not seeing the importance of sending a card, making a phone call, or helping a young couple celebrate the wonderful gift of a new life?! Is this stuff we women do for the most part really important? Is it necessary to have a clean house, ensure others around us feel validated or should we just throw the dirty clothes away once the hamper is full? It’s sounder better and better to me, if I could just loose these feelings of guilt and stop needing to continually authenticate others and myself.

I do want to say my brothers over the years have gotten better and usually call and send a card and I guess I hope that my consistency in remembering their family’s birthdays has actually made a difference or maybe their wives prod them into remembering. Whatever the reason it makes me feel special and gives me perspective that maybe men can be persuaded to see my point of view and that my dealings aren’t so useless after all?

Similarly, I do love my Dad but I only remember getting one written correspondence from him in my whole life and that was a shocker – I think I was really struggling with my life and my life’s choices at the time so that was extra meaningful to me. With regard to laundry, house cleaning, gift buying and the list I have been mentioning my Dad usually only vacuumed. That was until my Mom became rather ill last year and Pop was forced to learn these chores. And because he had grown very accustomed to having them accomplished – he did them himself. He is kind of a neat freak, anyway. I am not sure all men would have gone to the lengths he did. My Mom even wrote out instructions for him on how to use an ATM which he had never done. Is that not unbelievable?

But why are girls generally the ones concerned about these things? Can it be the way I was brought up as a girl that I feel like it is my duty to be good at everything? What I mean is that I feel that I have to accomplish to some degree all the things I mentioned earlier like keeping house, cooking, cleaning, being involved with church, showers, recognize others accomplishments and life markers, as well as, keep up with friendships and the laundry? When I skimp on any of these I feel badly. I do want to say as I stated earlier I do know a few guys who feel responsible and do respond to their world in this way and I applaud them but I think they are an exclusive group and then I wonder - should we be applauding this behavior? - I just don't know - we seem way too conscientious, if that is possible?

What makes most guys the way they are? Involved in their own world of what they like with regard to TV, food, interests maybe like racing or golf and pretty much what is important to them and them alone. I have gone so far as to read books on how to understand and communicate better with men and particularly males at work. All this to better connect on their level and in their style and I do get that most men mean what they say and that if they tackle a problem and solve it rarely if ever do they second guess themselves. The only bump I have hit is that I can try all I want but the trouble is: try as I do males for the most part have no desire to figure out my communication style or culture. They just don’t think about it. Oh how at times I long for those traits. To be able to confidently not feel guilty if I don’t attend a wedding shower or to attend a work meeting and not leave replaying every word and wondering if someone meant something other than what they said. I am now thinking of the musical “My Fair Lady” and hearing Rex Harrison sing “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” . . . so they feel the same way in opposite fashion.

I guess the truth is there is a happy medium and as jealous as I am of most men’s ability to be totally involved in their own world with little regard towards other's issues - I do want to be validated through friends & family, to be encouraged at work and I like my home to look neat and inviting. So I guess I must accept these types of men as they are and hope they will look to accept me and all my tedious ways. I will continue to attempt to influence them with the golden rule – to treat others as we wish to be treated and it seems that will work for me as well - I need to glean what I can from their success. Why do I always have to be right?!